“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” -Deepak Chopra

We are moving, leaving our cozy apartment that we've lived in for four and a half years (this is the longest I've lived in one place since moving to Pendleton in 1993) and I have mixed feelings. It will be good to move on, to start new, to learn a new routine, but there is safety in my same old same old.
Within jobs, I have been somebody who thrives on change, who looks at how things work and sees if there is a way to change them, to make them better.
But I find myself looking at all the "new" in my personal world and quailing. My computer had to go a see a computer doctor and everything has been moved around and I've lost my set up, my phone has been acting up so Jason needed to do some work on it to get it working smoothly again, but none of my applications are in the same place, my house is full of boxes and full of stuff that we are deciding if we really need it or not. I fight being a packrat...my mom used to have to fight with me over all the little treasures I had in my room. (But I need to keep that smooth rock that I picked up at that one place that meant so much to me...but I don't remember where or why this particular rock means more than the other 300 I have in boxes under my bed...) One time, when I was about six on a long road trip, my parents bought me and my brother gummy bears. Jon decided to see how long one would stick to the outside mirror...and yes, I shed tears over that little bear because it had a face and it was going to sit for who knows how long on the side of the road and nobody would love it...yeah, I'm a softie...(apparently in my six year old mind, eating it was loving it while letting it fall along the side of the road was not loving it...but there was no reasoning with a six-year old me.)
I look at this opportunity for change, of resetting some of my bad habits, of letting go, or even starting new and I get a knot in my stomach. I look at the comfortable known and wish I could hang on, just a little longer. There is logic to the decisions we have made. This apartment is costing too much, so we are moving to a cheaper place. I was getting frustrated with my phone, so now it's working like it should again. Our old jeep was not working as it should so we sold it. My old job was not a good positive environment for me, so I made the logical choice and stepped away...
Change is a good thing... so why am I running from it now? Why, when it's so much better for me, do I still want to fall back into my old way of thinking? Why is every new change in the past couple of weeks a cause for my brain to have to work harder...to fight the negative voices that "new" is bad?
I keep telling myself that this is normal, that because my whole world is being turned upside down, that having these weird panicky moments is ok. And, I think I'm getting there, getting past the fear.
We start the move on Wednesday and there are good things to look forward to. No more ambulances screaming past our bedroom window or diesels working to get up the hill (it's not that big of a hill you people!), no more three flights of stairs for when we are loaded down with groceries or for when I have a migraine and can barely make it up the stairs.The Jeep was costing us money, or would have to getting it running again, so now we get to find me a new vehicle. My phone is really fast again!
Beyond the physical changes, I am having to take a good hard look at myself. I am having to decide if I like who I am, and I'm finding that in some areas, I don't like what I see. I wasn't strong enough here, or I said the wrong thing there, I hurt people or I let them hurt me, I let people use me or hurt those around me. 
Change in itself is tough, but I want to change, I want to be a better person, I want to grow and flourish and thrive and I'm feeling my way slowly out of the ruts I've been in too long...scared but determined.