I am starting a new chapter in my life, an unknown one, one that I am excited to say, has aboslutly no pages written yet.
First, let me tell you who I've been. I was the Director of Events and Catering at Gladstone Park Conference Center, I am the wife of Jason Johnson, the daughter of Beth and Al, the sister of Jon and Angela, a pretty fierce Canadian and the proud owner of a Canon 20D SLR, a Kawasaki Concours and two fuzzies we call "our" cats. I am a fiercly loyal person and friend, I love to laugh and giggle and can't stop smiling, even when I'm crying, a smile usually breaks through sooner or later. I have learned to be very black and white, I may still be, but I'm creative and love to see a project come together... I face fears, sometimes head on, sometimes by hanging on desperately to Jason, or my parents or my friends. I enjoy watching people, but not neccissarily being a part of them. I love to read...anything and everything...stories, classic tales, well written biographies, blogs, shampoo bottles... My relationship with God...I have one, do I know what it looks like...I'll get into that later...
Odd, you say, that I would list my job, my relationships and a few pathetic (yes, my camera is old...) possesions when I talk about who I am. Because of this unknown Journey I'm on, I am having to look at myself critically, and these are things I know: My life has consisted, for the past 7 years, of work and the events that came with it. I have had to become a black and white person...but I'm not sure that's a strong characteristic and only time will tell. I have not been able to plan my life farther than two weeks in advance, and even then, I have had to accept that I may not be able to do what I wanted to do on my time off because of my responsibilities. I have had no life because I have allowed myself to be swallowed up in my job. I do not want to allow this to happen again... I am Jason Johnson's wife. He has been my rock, my support, my guiding light and I am on this next chapter in life because of him, because he has given me the courage to step beyond. I am the daughter of Beth and Al. I have been reminded of this daily over the past seven years, and it has not always been said in a positive way. However, I am proud of this and of them and will claim them whether others see the good in any of us or not, because I see God's face through them and see the inherant goodness that cannot be hidden. I am the sister of Jon and Angela (and an aunt because of them!) and while we don't live near each other, and I maybe get to see them once a year (if that), they are still very much a part of my life. They may not even know it, but I learn from them and value their take on life. They have an amazing friendship and I love to see them interact with each other...especially when they think no one is watching.
I own a camera. I love shooting people, I love to get that expression on their face that shows the world their inner self, their beauty, their sense of humour, their joy and even their fear or pain. I haven't been able to do this much lately, but it is still a part of me. I own a motorbike. I love the freedom of it and the smells that I find along the road...fresh cut grass, the smell and feel of a draw with a creek at the bottom, a quick sniff of flowers or horses or hay. Riding my bike is a very organic experience...I love the speed, the feel of the mechanical parts working together and giving me that thrill that only a biker knows. I own two cats. I found out years ago when there were no critters in our lives, that animals are a necessity. I wanted to be a vet when I was younger, but I cannot stand the unsaid pain and fear in the eyes of an animal. In my critters (horses and cats so far, but probably a dog sooner or later) I find solace and peace, I find joy and humour in their antics, I find rest in their fuzziness.
...
That is who I've been. Some of it will change, most of it won't. About a month ago, I made the decision to walk away from my job. There was so much negative there that I was finding it would be a month since I had a really good laugh. There was so much hate, that I feared for myself and for my friends and for my family. I still fear for my family and friends. It was a good decision, one I should have made much sooner, but I'm discovering or (maybe a better word would be) acknowledging that I'm stubborn and will only do things when my brain says its time.
I have been asked with fear, with desperation, with jealosy, "what will you do next?" I don't know...
I really have no idea. Not because there are no options, but because the options are limitless. Not because, as I have feared, I would look at the world, and say, "there is nothing there for me" but because there are way too many things there for me.
My best friends brother asked her to paint him a picture of where she sees herself in 7 years, and I loved hearing her vision. I was a little jealous, but it got me thinking too.
I currently have about 4 things I want to do, all of them in completely different directions. Two involve becoming a small business owner, one involves going back to school and one is working with a great friend and mentor (but I have to get into shape to pursue this dream). One involves working with my best friend, one involves working with horses (a passion I was just able to rediscover this past weekend), one involves learning to be ok dressing up everyday (yikes!) and another goes so far beyond what has been my comfort zone, I have no idea why it could be a passion. There are other options, ones I'm aware of, but haven't really looked at in depth.
I am on an unknown journey....I have no idea where I will end up, what part I will play in my world, and what I will do with my rather eclectic group of passions and what it will look like when I finally "arrive" but I do know I am excited about the possibilities...
