Whose glasses?

Whose glasses are you wearing?

I’ve been following a fellow on You Tube, a fellow who is quite intriguing. He has admitted to being diagnosed with Wilson’s disease. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilson%27s_disease) This is a disease that causes an accumulation of copper in the tissues which presents itself as neurological or psychiatric symptoms. This fellow, lets call him Keith*, has decided not to take any of his medication, which causes the symptoms to get worse and they are irreversible.

The reason I am so intrigued by Keith is that he is documenting his downward spiral with YouTube video posts. He has posted approximately one or two videos a day, telling his perspective on life, explaining things from behind his "glasses." He has a couple of conspiracy theories that he believes and when he gets stressed he returns to those theories. A typical sentence can go something like this:

“I was shopping for a new camera and was told I couldn’t be there so I mentioned to the lady that there is a moon base and the twin towers were not hit by planes.”

It is interesting because he is quite certain that his theories are correct, so correct that he is writing to people to tell them his theories, some contacts are harmless, one that he has mentioned is quite harmful. He has found the information of a lady whose husband died in one of the 9-11 planes and is contacting her to tell her that her husband is still alive somewhere. Can you imagine the pain his convictions are causing this lady?

Keith and his copper colored glasses…

Looking at my own life, I wonder what colored glasses I’m wearing…

The election is, thankfully, over, but how much damage happened because people were unwilling to treat others with respect. During the election I saw a lot of Facebook posts of people who were blocking others because of their over-zealous political rants. People were relieved that it was over, not because of the results, but mostly so we didn’t have to hear the rantings.  

It got me thinking though about a couple of things. How easy is it for us to form an opinion and then expect that the rest of the world will see it our way. Driving down the road, buddy cuts us off so we get angry. Did he even realize he cut me off and is he now angry that I am swerving and tail gating him like a maniac? From my perspective, he is totally in the wrong, from his perspective, I’m a nut case! The point is that no one goes through life thinking they are wrong.

A little while ago I read a quote that I relate to. It said, “No two persons ever read the same book.” We all come at things from different perspectives, we all see things just a little differently. How would things go if we were to accept that others have the right to have an opinion and approach our differences with respect?

What would the world look like if we didn't embrace each others differences and opinions and only allowed one view point?


*Names have been changed.

What the *$%#? (Or "Moving from a Cat's perspective)

Journal entry - Day #2577
I've been noticing somthing strange going on in our house, the people are acting strangly, there are beautiful boxes to play in, but they keep filling them up with pesky books and stuff. I keep getting pulled out of my favorite places EVER, ones that I just found and didn't know even existed until today.
A couple of days ago, my people took some of those full boring boxes away and came back with new empty boxes! Hooray! But then yesterday...yesterday was the weirdest day of my life!
Wait, strange noise outside....
OK, back from under the covers...
SO, yesterday, my snobby sister and I were just minding our own business, waiting for our people to come back from wherever they go...not sure what they do all day when we are here all the time waiting to be fed, loved and in general pandered too, but I digress...we were just hanging out waiting for them to come back and fill our bowl, the yellow one was almost empty and even though the red bowl was full, I was starting to worry that we would have a food shortage soon if one of them didn't come and open the magic box and fill the yellow bowl. I wandered from room to room just checking to see if they were hiding on me, couldn't find them so went and flopped in my tree. I've claimed it...Scampi is too much of a priss to sit in it, so now, it's mine.
Awhile later, I heard the noise outside that lets me know its time to run to the outside bit of our house and make sure my people know where to find me. With that accomplished, I sat by the door and waited for them to acknowledge my royal self with some attention. It was duly given and I went on my way.
Suddenly there was another person at our door...I inspected her and recognized her as a person who comes around sometimes and especially from the times when our people forget to come home for one or two sleeps and she comes and feeds us. You have no idea how many times she has saved our lives...
Strange noise...
Whew, its all safe and I'm back from the bedroom...ok, I was hiding under the covers again...Its safe there, if the weird noise can't see me, then I must not exist, yes?
Back to yesterday. I was finished inspecting this new person and she met my standards, so I allowed her to come in. She started taking flat pieces of cardboard and turning them into boxes! Hooray! She  might be my favorite magician EVER! I knew she had come to entertain me, but was a little confused with the game she wanted to play. She would open up a magic box, put it on the floor for me and then shoo me out of the box. I figured she just wanted to see which of us was quicker...well, I proved yet again that I will always be the fleetest box jumper in my kingdom. Silly mortals will never learn. They mock me when I practice, but today all that training came in quite handy.
When I got bored with that game, I went to check out the rest of the house...things were mising! The big comfy thing was gone! The other big comfy thing was gone!!! My tree was still here though, so I sat on it so they wouldn't take it...it's mine...we've been over this...
After awhile, all three of the people left again. What is going on? I vaguely remember this happening a long time ago, but it couldn't have been as strange as this?
Ahh...noise....nope, nope, I'm ok, I will just sit here and wait to see if I should attack it...maybe if I make my eyes bigger it will be frightened and go away....seems to have worked.
Ok, back to my tail, er tale.
The people were gone for a long time, then they came back and more interesting things started happening. My favorite person started pulling his toys apart. He always sits there each morning and stares at the bright square. I try to help him by standing on the clicky bits, but he doesn't ever appreciate my contribution. Maybe he has realized that he is spending too much time tickering on the clicky bits and will be spending more time with me! I knew if I helped him enough, he'd realize.
My other person was in the room with the closet that I love with the new person throwing their fur substitutes on the ground and then filling boxes with it. Odd that they can't just get the fur they have on thier heads to grow all over them, but I guess in the people world, that might not be acceptable. I like my fur though...glad I don't have to change it all the time. The new person was working in the closet where the Bird is. She finally found it and let it free. I wish I knew how to work it...everytime I find it by myself, its dead and poses no challenge.
When we all tired of that game, the new person put it into the closet. I saw Scampi watch where it was put so I knew we could get it later. The people start moving things around again and now I really am getting worried. So much stuff is gone....but my tree is still here, so I guess I will be ok. The new person was here so she knows that if our people go missing again she will have to come back and feed us. That is at least a relief....
NOISE!
Oh, wow, ok so it was just my favorite person coming back...I'll tell you where I am shortly and why I keep having to interrupt my self....
So they were gone for awhile and we wander around the house asking ourselves where everthing has gone. We go and ask politely at the door to the closet where the Bird lives to see if we could get in there, but no luck.
Our two people come back and I again let them know where we were, just in case they forgot. They wander around for a bit and notice things missing too. I help them by talking them through every area of the house. They are very nice and pay attention closely. At least we are all in this together.
As we are inspecting the house though, I notice something strange. Not only has all of our poo been stolen, the whole box is gone. Next you'll know, our food will be gone too...and when I went to check on it...sure enough...gone...and my Tree was gone too!!!!
Now I knew we were in trouble.
When the people came back up after leaving for a few minutes, the other one calls Scampi over and suddenly she is inside a box and can't get out. I started to go over to check it out, but first my favorite person called me over and showed me the inside of another box. I decided to humor him and check it out. I only went in half way though cuz of what I saw happen to Scampi. I sniffed from the there, just to see what the big deal was and I feel my person shoving me in. Naturally I put up a fight but let him win in the end. People have to win sometimes in order for them to feel good about themselves. The door shut and I was stuck.
I tried to be mature about it, Scampi was over in her box shouting about how unfair life was and about how she didn't like her box. The other person was talking to her, but she wasn't listening.
After just a few seconds, my box was lifted up and we went outside. I like outside. I get to go outside whenever I want, but never through this door. We went out and I let my person know that I was feeling a little queasy and asked if he could not pick me up again, but he did and we went down some stairs. I could hear Scampi shrieking about life in general at that point and thought that I would give the people a break and be quiet. We got into a noisy thing that moves unnaturally and I couldn't hear my sister anymore. Good thing too, she's noisy.
My person talked to me and I told him that I don't feel so good and I would like to get out please. He seemed to listen because we stopped shortly after that. I saw that the other person and Scampi were in another one of these noisy contraptions and Scampi is still yelling about suing for incompetence and all that other rubbish. I know she's just scared. At least she is with her favorite person, so she'll survive.
Through the holes in my cage I could smell other cats and strange people and even...oh no, A Dog. I hope he is not where we are going. We followed the other person and Scampi up the steps and into a strange place where they let us out into a room. Some of the stuff was familiar, there is one of the big comfy things and when they cover it up, I recognized it as their bed. It's a safe place and Scampi immediately hid under the covers. I wandered around a bit and as the people come and go from the room, things started to appear. My potty box is here, yay! I tested it out and it still works! Then, when I came out from there I find my Tree! And my food, both the yellow and red bowls were full! Wow! We might just make it through our adventure here!
I am currently hiding under the covers as there are way too many strange noises and smells here to handle. I will take a nap and then go exploring again. I hope we get to go home soon, but as long as my people are here and my food, tree and potty box are here, we can survive.
I'm gonna go take that nap and see what else happens when I wake up.
More later...
Signed,

His Royal Highness
Miki

P.s. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, it's difficult for me to use these clicky bits...

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” -Deepak Chopra

We are moving, leaving our cozy apartment that we've lived in for four and a half years (this is the longest I've lived in one place since moving to Pendleton in 1993) and I have mixed feelings. It will be good to move on, to start new, to learn a new routine, but there is safety in my same old same old.
Within jobs, I have been somebody who thrives on change, who looks at how things work and sees if there is a way to change them, to make them better.
But I find myself looking at all the "new" in my personal world and quailing. My computer had to go a see a computer doctor and everything has been moved around and I've lost my set up, my phone has been acting up so Jason needed to do some work on it to get it working smoothly again, but none of my applications are in the same place, my house is full of boxes and full of stuff that we are deciding if we really need it or not. I fight being a packrat...my mom used to have to fight with me over all the little treasures I had in my room. (But I need to keep that smooth rock that I picked up at that one place that meant so much to me...but I don't remember where or why this particular rock means more than the other 300 I have in boxes under my bed...) One time, when I was about six on a long road trip, my parents bought me and my brother gummy bears. Jon decided to see how long one would stick to the outside mirror...and yes, I shed tears over that little bear because it had a face and it was going to sit for who knows how long on the side of the road and nobody would love it...yeah, I'm a softie...(apparently in my six year old mind, eating it was loving it while letting it fall along the side of the road was not loving it...but there was no reasoning with a six-year old me.)
I look at this opportunity for change, of resetting some of my bad habits, of letting go, or even starting new and I get a knot in my stomach. I look at the comfortable known and wish I could hang on, just a little longer. There is logic to the decisions we have made. This apartment is costing too much, so we are moving to a cheaper place. I was getting frustrated with my phone, so now it's working like it should again. Our old jeep was not working as it should so we sold it. My old job was not a good positive environment for me, so I made the logical choice and stepped away...
Change is a good thing... so why am I running from it now? Why, when it's so much better for me, do I still want to fall back into my old way of thinking? Why is every new change in the past couple of weeks a cause for my brain to have to work harder...to fight the negative voices that "new" is bad?
I keep telling myself that this is normal, that because my whole world is being turned upside down, that having these weird panicky moments is ok. And, I think I'm getting there, getting past the fear.
We start the move on Wednesday and there are good things to look forward to. No more ambulances screaming past our bedroom window or diesels working to get up the hill (it's not that big of a hill you people!), no more three flights of stairs for when we are loaded down with groceries or for when I have a migraine and can barely make it up the stairs.The Jeep was costing us money, or would have to getting it running again, so now we get to find me a new vehicle. My phone is really fast again!
Beyond the physical changes, I am having to take a good hard look at myself. I am having to decide if I like who I am, and I'm finding that in some areas, I don't like what I see. I wasn't strong enough here, or I said the wrong thing there, I hurt people or I let them hurt me, I let people use me or hurt those around me. 
Change in itself is tough, but I want to change, I want to be a better person, I want to grow and flourish and thrive and I'm feeling my way slowly out of the ruts I've been in too long...scared but determined.

When you can't walk you crawl...

We are homeless...ok, so that may be a litle overly dramatic, but it is kind of true. Due to yet another price hike within our apartment complex and their decision to stop including cable and internet and because of my decision to walk away from a 7-year job, we have turned in our notice that we are not renewing our lease. As of October 1, we will need to be in another place, or as I've jokingly stated over the past month, under a bridge. 
I have been surprised over the past month with the many offers of a room with friends. From many different people. (Thank you to those who have offered. You really have no idea how much it means to us.) 
I struggle with self esteem and my view of myself. I have never felt that I fit in, I have always felt awkward and uncomfortable, odd in my own skin. I think I missed the bit in life where you get that boost of confidence. 
Part of this journey is that I have to learn to accept rejection and not let it affect my self esteem. 
Much easier said than done I think...
Last Thursday I received yet another letter of rejection from a possible employer. It was well written and designed so it is easy to take, but still. It is not my first, and will definitely not be my last. Why is it so easy to look at closed doors as a reason to stop moving forward, despite all the cheery notes and quotes on Facebook? Why do the words "rejection notice" strike fear into my heart rather than giving me that sense of peace that this was obviously not the job for me? Why do I jokingly say I am going to end up living under a bridge? 
I am supposed to be working on yet another cover letter right now, for another job, one that I could get really excited about. This is a tough task, because in just a few short paragraphs I am supposed to sell myself when on a day to day basis, I have a hard time believing in myself. Where to find that strength? How to move beyond the tapes of failure playing in my head and step out with confidence? Some would say all the confidence you need comes from God, and while I'm sure that can be true, there are moments when you need a God with skin on. 
Since I've quit my job, I have found that I have an unbelievable support network. Not only do I have an amazing husband and parents. I have a best friend, I have people telling me that they would hire me if they had a job, I have been able to go on overnight visits to friends houses and connect with them on totally new levels of friendship, I have felt support from quarters I never expected support from. 
I am finding that sometimes the journey can be measured in the relationships you make along the way.

"When you can't run, you crawl, and when you can't crawl - when you can't do that...You find someone to carry you." Firefly

 I am blessed to have people in my world who are willing to help me crawl and are willing to help carry me when I can't crawl anymore. I am coming to recognize those people who God has asked to represent HIm with skin on. 

One step beyond...

I am starting a new chapter in my life, an unknown one, one that I am excited to say, has aboslutly no pages written yet.
First, let me tell you who I've been. I was the Director of Events and Catering at Gladstone Park Conference Center, I am the wife of Jason Johnson, the daughter of Beth and Al, the sister of Jon and Angela, a pretty fierce Canadian and the proud owner of a Canon 20D SLR, a Kawasaki Concours and two fuzzies we call "our" cats. I am a fiercly loyal person and friend, I love to laugh and giggle and can't stop smiling, even when I'm crying, a smile usually breaks through sooner or later. I have learned to be very black and white, I may still be, but I'm creative and love to see a project come together... I face fears, sometimes head on, sometimes by hanging on desperately to Jason, or my parents or my friends. I enjoy watching people, but not neccissarily being a part of them. I love to read...anything and everything...stories, classic tales, well written biographies, blogs, shampoo bottles... My relationship with God...I have one, do I know what it looks like...I'll get into that later... 
Odd, you say, that I would list my job, my relationships and a few pathetic (yes, my camera is old...) possesions when I talk about who I am. Because of this unknown Journey I'm on, I am having to look at myself critically, and these are things I know: My life has consisted, for the past 7 years, of work and the events that came with it. I have had to become a black and white person...but I'm not sure that's a strong characteristic and only time will tell. I have not been able to plan my life farther than two weeks in advance, and even then, I have had to accept that I may not be able to do what I wanted to do on my time off because of my responsibilities. I have had no life because I have allowed myself to be swallowed up in my job. I do not want to allow this to happen again... I am Jason Johnson's wife. He has been my rock, my support, my guiding light and I am on this next chapter in life because of him, because he has given me the courage to step beyond. I am the daughter of Beth and Al. I have been reminded of this daily over the past seven years, and it has not always been said in a positive way. However, I am proud of this and of them and will claim them whether others see the good in any of us or not, because I see God's face through them and see the inherant goodness that cannot be hidden. I am the sister of Jon and Angela (and an aunt because of them!)  and while we don't live near each other, and I maybe get to see them once a year (if that), they are still very much a part of my life. They may not even know it, but I learn from them and value their take on life. They have an amazing friendship and I love to see them interact with each other...especially when they think no one is watching. 
I own a camera. I love shooting people, I love to get that expression on their face that shows the world their inner self, their beauty, their sense of humour, their joy and even their fear or pain. I haven't been able to do this much lately, but it is still a part of me. I own a motorbike. I love the freedom of it and the smells that I find along the road...fresh cut grass, the smell and feel of a draw with a creek at the bottom, a quick sniff of flowers or horses or hay. Riding my bike is a very organic experience...I love the speed, the feel of the mechanical parts working together and giving me that thrill that only a biker knows. I own two cats. I found out years ago when there were no critters in our lives, that animals are a necessity. I wanted to be a vet when I was younger, but I cannot stand the unsaid pain and fear in the eyes of an animal. In my critters (horses and cats so far, but probably a dog sooner or later) I find solace and peace, I find joy and humour in their antics, I find rest in their fuzziness.
...
That is who I've been. Some of it will change, most of it won't. About a month ago, I made the decision to walk away from my job. There was so much negative there that I was finding it would be a month since I had a really good laugh. There was so much hate, that I feared for myself and for my friends and for my family. I still fear for my family and friends. It was a good decision, one I should have made much sooner, but I'm discovering or (maybe a better word would be) acknowledging that I'm stubborn and will only do things when my brain says its time. 
I have been asked with fear, with desperation, with jealosy, "what will you do next?" I don't know...
I really have no idea. Not because there are no options, but because the options are limitless. Not because, as I have feared, I would look at the world, and say, "there is nothing there for me" but because there are way too many things there for me.
My best friends brother asked her to paint him a picture of where she sees herself in 7 years, and I loved hearing her vision. I was a little jealous, but it got me thinking too.
I currently have about 4 things I want to do, all of them in completely different directions. Two involve becoming a small business owner, one involves going back to school and one is working with a great friend and mentor (but I have to get into shape to pursue this dream). One involves working with my best friend, one involves working with horses (a passion I was just able to rediscover this past weekend), one involves learning to be ok dressing up everyday (yikes!) and another goes so far beyond what has been my comfort zone, I have no idea why it could be a passion. There are other options, ones I'm aware of, but haven't really looked at in depth. 
I am on an unknown journey....I have no  idea where I will end up, what part I will play in my world, and what I will do with my rather eclectic group of passions and what it will look like when I finally "arrive" but I do know I am excited about the possibilities...