A life well lived...

I had the honor this past weekend to attend a memorial for a man I’ve never met. It was for the grandad of a good friend of mine. He was, amongst many other things, an artist. The memorial was held in an art gallery showcasing many of his paintings, drawings and even some metal work he did in his later years. Because I am a self-proclaimed wall-flower and don’t like large crowds, I was allowed to disappear behind my camera and photograph the event. What I saw through my lens was a family living to fulfill the legacy of a great man.

I know very little about him, but I saw the joy and care he took in his creations, I heard the words of people who knew him, and more than just the words, the warmth in their voices as they remembered a father, grandfather, teacher or friend.

A quote that many people remembered him for was “You don’t make mistakes, you make opportunities for adjustment.” What a philosophy to have! Believing to your very core that even if something goes sideways, that you do something wrong or make an error, you can look at it as an opportunity. An opportunity to adjust…your work, your outlook, your attitude or even your life.

As I watched the family throughout the weekend I saw each member fulfilling his heritage in their own way; music, art, education, work, discovery and an unquenchable passion for their own personal necessary fire.

What a legacy to leave! I look at my life, at what I’m doing with it, and I wonder what my legacy will be. Will I be known for my care and compassion? Will I be known for the job I did? For my smile, for my quick temper, for my easy-going personality, for my strength or my weakness? I have jokingly said in the past couple of weeks that I am going through a “young” mid-life crisis as I look for a new career. I am taking this opportunity to adjust my outlook, to gain a love of life and a joy in being. To create a “get-to” attitude rather than a “have-to” attitude. To become a better, stronger, more passionate and caring person.

I am a better person for having heard some of his philosophy, for having known his family and for getting a glimpse of his life well lived.

What makes you come alive?

What makes you come alive? What makes your eyes light up and gives you purpose? 

I am struggling with what I am passionate about. I have had moments in my life where I had a passion, something that kept me going from day to day. I remember getting up at 5 am (and for those of you who know me, you know it would take something pretty special to get me up that early!) while I was working at summer camp to go for a horseback ride.

The sun would be barely up, or not quite up yet, and I and maybe a friend or two would make the trek over to the barn and corral. The fog would be whispering across the pasture, the grass would be wet, the smell was fresh and clean, the first hope of a new day and the light would be gray with the first hint of yellow hitting the tops of the trees. Sometimes we would go out and catch our horses. When we’d do that, we’d normally ride them into the corral from the pasture. The feeling of sitting astride a powerful horse, running in the middle of a herd with unfettered horses surging beside us, barely in control with just a halter and a rope cannot be described adequately. 

Other times we would call the “ponies” in and they would come running. We’d stand on the fence and watch the draw where the horses would come through and start hollering. They knew they would get treats, so they would come running. We could hear their thunder first, one or two of the dominant horses would come first, then the rest of our 20 or so horses would come barreling through the draw, along the pasture fence, down the side of the pasture and into the corral, dust flying, ears pricked and eyes wide. They were summer camp horses, so they were every breed and color which just added to their collective beauty. Bays, Paints, Appaloosas, roans, greys, ponies and horses alike. 

Once our horses were caught, we’d head out, usually with no saddles. The purest way to ride a horse, nothing between me and my horse, every feeling, every movement felt, every communication natural. We’d head down into the flats and either turn right into the forest and the swamps, or turn left into the field. If we’d turn right, we start out slow, just enjoying the nature and the early morning sounds and smells. If we’d turn left, we’d hit the flat and canter down the field. 

We’d finish our ride and head back to work for the day, which usually turned out to be 15 or 16 hour days. Then we’d get up and go again the next day.

The job was a good job, rewarding as any job is when you are working with kids, but the passion, the joy of riding, the beauty of it kept me going, kept me alive.

I don’t have that right now. I am looking for it, for something to make my blood boil and my eyes light up. I think football might turn into a passion for me, but for now it’s still pretty new and still a little scary. 

I am currently hanging out with two people who are chasing their passions. One is my husband. He is working a day-to-day job to keep us surviving and paying the bills, but outside of that, he is starting a web design business. His eyes light up when he finds a cool new application or figures out a way to solve a problem he’s been working on. His love of what he is doing comes out in laughter and exclamations. 

The other is my best friend. She is being creative, she is painting, she is designing jewelry, she is putting her inner beauty and vision out into the world in physical form. The joy in her voice when she talks about her art, the sparkle in her eye makes her more beautiful still. 

I am searching for that passion again. I want to feel alive, I want to have a reason for getting up in the mornings. It doesn’t have to be a job, it doesn’t have to be an everyday thing, but I must have that passion back in my life. 

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. ~Wayne Gretzky

This past weekend I got to go for a ride along with Woodburn’s finest. It was really interesting and fun. The officer I rode with had some really good advice as well as having a great sense of humor. He was really awesome to watch as he handled each person he came into contact with, being firm when needed, being gentle when needed, being efficient and professional.

I have wanted to be a police officer since I started the steps to get my Bachelor’s Degree in Behavioral Science. I am finally going for it again. This is scary for me, because I haven’t made it yet. I sometimes think it is just never going to happen.

I first applied with the Maui County police department just after I graduated from college. (Cuz who doesn’t want to live in Maui?) Jason and I went and didn’t even get to hit the water because I was in testing the entire time and he was applying for jobs and looking for places to live. I passed all the tests, but after talking with some of the locals there, we found out that the local police had some issues. After we left, we found out that they had done a sting and fired 40+ officers for doing and selling illegal drugs. When they wrote to ask me to come for the next level of testing, I decided that starting with a department in that state of affairs would be tough. A year later, we found out they did the same type of sting and had to let another 50+ officers go. Excuse the horrible phraseology, but I feel I dodged a bullet there.

I applied again in Vancouver B.C., passed the test in the top 20% but was unable to make it to the physical test. Sigh.

Then we moved to Portland and I started my job at Gladstone Park Conference Center.

In 2007, I attempted it again. I applied with Clackamas County Sheriff. At the same time, we were also applying to work in Africa. I asked God to shut one of the doors firmly, so firmly that I couldn’t ask questions about where we should be going. I failed the multiple choice POST test with a score of 20%. “Slam” goes the door.

So, we went to Africa…and I still have no idea what God wanted us there for. I’m not sure we’ll ever know.

And then we came back and I started back at GPCC again.

I tried one last time, I thought, last spring. I sprained my ankle a week before the physical test. I missed it by 45 seconds, but this time passed the POST test with flying colors.

I have asked God to take this passion away, but it seems to just get stronger.

And so…I am taking another shot at it. I have applied for both entry level and reserve with a local agency.

I know that you miss some of the shots you take, however, in the words of the great one (#99), “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

New year, new me?

Yup, it’s a new year, yes, everyone is talking about their resolutions…I don’t do resolutions. Resolutions are too easy to break. One slip and it's over and I join the statistics of failed resolutions. I don't like being a statistic.

Goals on the other hand can be fought toward, if you slip up, the next day is a new start toward your goals.

And so, my goals for 2013.

I have joined the Portland Fighting Fillies, a full contact women’s football team. I have joined this team with a few things in mind. I have thoroughly missed the atmosphere of being part of a team. There is something to knowing that the people you are working hard with will have your back no matter what. And these ladies are tough! My goal with joining this team is to get into shape so that the next time I run the ORPAT I will not end it gasping like a dying fish! 

I will get a new job. I have enjoyed my break from work and have been able to get myself into a better head space than I have been in a long time. I am feeling more confident, more mentally strong and more willing to take risks. 

And finally, I have the goal of being happy and content, of looking for ways to make a difference in people’s lives and finding ways to get out and enjoy life. We live in a cool city, we are young and now have time to have a bit of a life! I’m excited about where I’m at. 

Happy 2013 to you and your family! I hope you each have an amazing lucky 13!

Whose glasses?

Whose glasses are you wearing?

I’ve been following a fellow on You Tube, a fellow who is quite intriguing. He has admitted to being diagnosed with Wilson’s disease. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilson%27s_disease) This is a disease that causes an accumulation of copper in the tissues which presents itself as neurological or psychiatric symptoms. This fellow, lets call him Keith*, has decided not to take any of his medication, which causes the symptoms to get worse and they are irreversible.

The reason I am so intrigued by Keith is that he is documenting his downward spiral with YouTube video posts. He has posted approximately one or two videos a day, telling his perspective on life, explaining things from behind his "glasses." He has a couple of conspiracy theories that he believes and when he gets stressed he returns to those theories. A typical sentence can go something like this:

“I was shopping for a new camera and was told I couldn’t be there so I mentioned to the lady that there is a moon base and the twin towers were not hit by planes.”

It is interesting because he is quite certain that his theories are correct, so correct that he is writing to people to tell them his theories, some contacts are harmless, one that he has mentioned is quite harmful. He has found the information of a lady whose husband died in one of the 9-11 planes and is contacting her to tell her that her husband is still alive somewhere. Can you imagine the pain his convictions are causing this lady?

Keith and his copper colored glasses…

Looking at my own life, I wonder what colored glasses I’m wearing…

The election is, thankfully, over, but how much damage happened because people were unwilling to treat others with respect. During the election I saw a lot of Facebook posts of people who were blocking others because of their over-zealous political rants. People were relieved that it was over, not because of the results, but mostly so we didn’t have to hear the rantings.  

It got me thinking though about a couple of things. How easy is it for us to form an opinion and then expect that the rest of the world will see it our way. Driving down the road, buddy cuts us off so we get angry. Did he even realize he cut me off and is he now angry that I am swerving and tail gating him like a maniac? From my perspective, he is totally in the wrong, from his perspective, I’m a nut case! The point is that no one goes through life thinking they are wrong.

A little while ago I read a quote that I relate to. It said, “No two persons ever read the same book.” We all come at things from different perspectives, we all see things just a little differently. How would things go if we were to accept that others have the right to have an opinion and approach our differences with respect?

What would the world look like if we didn't embrace each others differences and opinions and only allowed one view point?


*Names have been changed.

What the *$%#? (Or "Moving from a Cat's perspective)

Journal entry - Day #2577
I've been noticing somthing strange going on in our house, the people are acting strangly, there are beautiful boxes to play in, but they keep filling them up with pesky books and stuff. I keep getting pulled out of my favorite places EVER, ones that I just found and didn't know even existed until today.
A couple of days ago, my people took some of those full boring boxes away and came back with new empty boxes! Hooray! But then yesterday...yesterday was the weirdest day of my life!
Wait, strange noise outside....
OK, back from under the covers...
SO, yesterday, my snobby sister and I were just minding our own business, waiting for our people to come back from wherever they go...not sure what they do all day when we are here all the time waiting to be fed, loved and in general pandered too, but I digress...we were just hanging out waiting for them to come back and fill our bowl, the yellow one was almost empty and even though the red bowl was full, I was starting to worry that we would have a food shortage soon if one of them didn't come and open the magic box and fill the yellow bowl. I wandered from room to room just checking to see if they were hiding on me, couldn't find them so went and flopped in my tree. I've claimed it...Scampi is too much of a priss to sit in it, so now, it's mine.
Awhile later, I heard the noise outside that lets me know its time to run to the outside bit of our house and make sure my people know where to find me. With that accomplished, I sat by the door and waited for them to acknowledge my royal self with some attention. It was duly given and I went on my way.
Suddenly there was another person at our door...I inspected her and recognized her as a person who comes around sometimes and especially from the times when our people forget to come home for one or two sleeps and she comes and feeds us. You have no idea how many times she has saved our lives...
Strange noise...
Whew, its all safe and I'm back from the bedroom...ok, I was hiding under the covers again...Its safe there, if the weird noise can't see me, then I must not exist, yes?
Back to yesterday. I was finished inspecting this new person and she met my standards, so I allowed her to come in. She started taking flat pieces of cardboard and turning them into boxes! Hooray! She  might be my favorite magician EVER! I knew she had come to entertain me, but was a little confused with the game she wanted to play. She would open up a magic box, put it on the floor for me and then shoo me out of the box. I figured she just wanted to see which of us was quicker...well, I proved yet again that I will always be the fleetest box jumper in my kingdom. Silly mortals will never learn. They mock me when I practice, but today all that training came in quite handy.
When I got bored with that game, I went to check out the rest of the house...things were mising! The big comfy thing was gone! The other big comfy thing was gone!!! My tree was still here though, so I sat on it so they wouldn't take it...it's mine...we've been over this...
After awhile, all three of the people left again. What is going on? I vaguely remember this happening a long time ago, but it couldn't have been as strange as this?
Ahh...noise....nope, nope, I'm ok, I will just sit here and wait to see if I should attack it...maybe if I make my eyes bigger it will be frightened and go away....seems to have worked.
Ok, back to my tail, er tale.
The people were gone for a long time, then they came back and more interesting things started happening. My favorite person started pulling his toys apart. He always sits there each morning and stares at the bright square. I try to help him by standing on the clicky bits, but he doesn't ever appreciate my contribution. Maybe he has realized that he is spending too much time tickering on the clicky bits and will be spending more time with me! I knew if I helped him enough, he'd realize.
My other person was in the room with the closet that I love with the new person throwing their fur substitutes on the ground and then filling boxes with it. Odd that they can't just get the fur they have on thier heads to grow all over them, but I guess in the people world, that might not be acceptable. I like my fur though...glad I don't have to change it all the time. The new person was working in the closet where the Bird is. She finally found it and let it free. I wish I knew how to work it...everytime I find it by myself, its dead and poses no challenge.
When we all tired of that game, the new person put it into the closet. I saw Scampi watch where it was put so I knew we could get it later. The people start moving things around again and now I really am getting worried. So much stuff is gone....but my tree is still here, so I guess I will be ok. The new person was here so she knows that if our people go missing again she will have to come back and feed us. That is at least a relief....
NOISE!
Oh, wow, ok so it was just my favorite person coming back...I'll tell you where I am shortly and why I keep having to interrupt my self....
So they were gone for awhile and we wander around the house asking ourselves where everthing has gone. We go and ask politely at the door to the closet where the Bird lives to see if we could get in there, but no luck.
Our two people come back and I again let them know where we were, just in case they forgot. They wander around for a bit and notice things missing too. I help them by talking them through every area of the house. They are very nice and pay attention closely. At least we are all in this together.
As we are inspecting the house though, I notice something strange. Not only has all of our poo been stolen, the whole box is gone. Next you'll know, our food will be gone too...and when I went to check on it...sure enough...gone...and my Tree was gone too!!!!
Now I knew we were in trouble.
When the people came back up after leaving for a few minutes, the other one calls Scampi over and suddenly she is inside a box and can't get out. I started to go over to check it out, but first my favorite person called me over and showed me the inside of another box. I decided to humor him and check it out. I only went in half way though cuz of what I saw happen to Scampi. I sniffed from the there, just to see what the big deal was and I feel my person shoving me in. Naturally I put up a fight but let him win in the end. People have to win sometimes in order for them to feel good about themselves. The door shut and I was stuck.
I tried to be mature about it, Scampi was over in her box shouting about how unfair life was and about how she didn't like her box. The other person was talking to her, but she wasn't listening.
After just a few seconds, my box was lifted up and we went outside. I like outside. I get to go outside whenever I want, but never through this door. We went out and I let my person know that I was feeling a little queasy and asked if he could not pick me up again, but he did and we went down some stairs. I could hear Scampi shrieking about life in general at that point and thought that I would give the people a break and be quiet. We got into a noisy thing that moves unnaturally and I couldn't hear my sister anymore. Good thing too, she's noisy.
My person talked to me and I told him that I don't feel so good and I would like to get out please. He seemed to listen because we stopped shortly after that. I saw that the other person and Scampi were in another one of these noisy contraptions and Scampi is still yelling about suing for incompetence and all that other rubbish. I know she's just scared. At least she is with her favorite person, so she'll survive.
Through the holes in my cage I could smell other cats and strange people and even...oh no, A Dog. I hope he is not where we are going. We followed the other person and Scampi up the steps and into a strange place where they let us out into a room. Some of the stuff was familiar, there is one of the big comfy things and when they cover it up, I recognized it as their bed. It's a safe place and Scampi immediately hid under the covers. I wandered around a bit and as the people come and go from the room, things started to appear. My potty box is here, yay! I tested it out and it still works! Then, when I came out from there I find my Tree! And my food, both the yellow and red bowls were full! Wow! We might just make it through our adventure here!
I am currently hiding under the covers as there are way too many strange noises and smells here to handle. I will take a nap and then go exploring again. I hope we get to go home soon, but as long as my people are here and my food, tree and potty box are here, we can survive.
I'm gonna go take that nap and see what else happens when I wake up.
More later...
Signed,

His Royal Highness
Miki

P.s. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, it's difficult for me to use these clicky bits...